TNT – Unarmed And Dangerous Read online

PARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

  The sliding doors open, a post-atomic version of Tim staggers out of the elevator. Naked in a Hello Kitty towel, his dirty clothes in a shopper.

  NEIGHBOR (O.S.): Hey Tim, you got hired at that topless carwash?

  TIM: (pulls straight) They didn't call back yet, but thanks for asking.

  He finally gets to home sweet home when the laughter behind the door sends his mood two floors below.

  INT. EILEEN'S FLAT - KITCHEN - DAY

  Laughs boom over an old fridge and a pot of boiling cabbage as EILEEN and BERNIE, both 80s, play cards on the table.

  EILEEN: You already lost six eggs, two muffins and a box of Maalox... (puts down her cards) this way I won't be shopping for a month!

  BERNIE: Touché!

  He doesn't seem to mind at all he lost the umpteenth game. They both keep laughing, until --

  EILEEN: Timmy?

  DOWN THE HALLWAY

  Tim stops before his room, fakes a smile for his grandma.

  BERNIE: What the hell have you done, boy?

  TIM: (all but pleased) Mr. Gilbert, what a pleasure.

  EILEEN: What happened to your clothes?

  TIM: Well, nothing special, just a tough day at work.

  BERNIE: What's that, a dog bit your butt?

  EILEEN: Oh, he's no longer working for that kennel, you know, he doesn't get along with poodles.

  BERNIE: He's been fired by a poodle?

  TIM: It wasn't a poodle, and I've not been fired!

  BERNIE: Tell me boy, when will you find the courage and go look for a real job?

  EILEEN: Bernie...

  TIM: Like playing cards all day long?

  BERNIE: It's called retirement, kid, you have to work a life to get there! (Smells the air) What's this stench anyway?

  TIM: I don't know, but if I were you I'd try to change my aftershave.

  EILEEN: Timmy!

  INT. TIM'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  Tim locks in, throws his dirty clothes on a pile of big boxes. He takes a deep breath as he goes to plop on his bed, finds a set of ironed cloths spread all over it.

  BERNIE (O.S.): I don't like that kid...

  INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

  BERNIE: ...he's a lazy little liar!

  Eileen rolls her eyes as she walks him to the door.

  BERNIE: Remember when he stole my suppositories? I'm a cop, I've got a sense for these things!

  EILEEN: Tim is a golden boy, and you worked in a guardhouse. And it's been thirty years ago!

  BERNIE: Well, the flair is still there... (wrinkles his nose) and it tells me that he drank, he always aches when he does.

  EILEEN: Well, maybe you're smelling something else.

  BERNIE: What? Wait, that's not my lotion!

  Eileen shuts the door on him and moves back to the kitchen. Tim walks in after her, fuming in a Winnie the Pooh pajamas as he starts flapping the little black and white TV.

  TIM: I don't get why you keep inviting that old prattler!

  EILEEN: I don't. He comes on his own, he's just a rummy addict.

  TIM: Yeah, and I'm sure that's why he soaks in perfume every time!

  EILEEN: So, are they hiring you?

  TIM: Damn, it has broken again.

  He gives the TV another slap, then sits down.

  TIM: Sure they're gonna hire me. It seems there's some technical issue about the contract, though, so I guess I'll just skip over for now.

  EILEEN: Well, that's a pity, I bet they'll miss an accountant like you.

  TIM: Yeah, we were already a team. You don't have to worry, anyway, the city's full of schools.

  EILEEN: Oh, I don't worry at all. (Setting the table) There's more than just schools out there, and Bernie says they're hiring at that new restaurant.

  TIM: He's looking for a job, too?

  EILEEN: For the sake of heaven, I hope not!

  A slap from her and the TV starts blaring out a cooking show.

  EILEEN: You're a smart boy, you'll find better than that anyway. And in the meantime you can still count on your pocket money, I'll find something else to save up on.

  Tim forces a smile at the fuming cabbage in his dish.

  EILEEN: You just take your time, here you have everything you need.

  INT. SUBURBAN HARDEE'S - NIGHT

  Sloppy music and cheap balloons float over the empty place as an INDIAN WAITER operates the drink dispenser.

  SAMIR: ...and there you go, ready to serve the customer his drink.

  Tim nods convinced inside a waiter uniform.

  TIM: You know what, 6 dollars pay apart the job doesn't seem that bad.

  SAMIR: Hey, it's 6 dollars net, twice the wage at my uncle's restaurant!

  TIM: Well, it's surely more than the double of nothing.

  SAMIR: Yeah, that's the spirit, you'll do great in here! (Looks over Tim) Here comes your colleague.

  MALE VOICE (O.S.): Hi guys, what's up?

  Tim turns around with a big smile -- suddenly drops it at TOD, the hot dog kiosk barman.

  TOD: Say, what's this bullshit about our pay?

  SAMIR: It's all true, it's 6 dollars net! You get acquainted, I'll go fry some chips.

  He moves away as Tim keeps staring daggers at Tod.

  TIM: What's this, some kind of joke?

  TOD: Wish it was, dude, I bet we'd earn more in a Vietnamese paddy!

  TIM: I'm talking about you, what the hell are you doing here?

  Tod frowns, studies Tim for a beat.

  TOD: You're that onion colada guy?

  TIM: No, eagle eye, I'm the one who lost his job because of you!

  TOD: (bugs his eyes out) Holy shit, you're that maniac! You're the freak that got me fired!

  TIM: What?! You sell beer to kids and I'm the maniac?!

  Tod shrugs, like it's the weirdest thing he's ever heard.

  TOD: I'm a barman, not a cop, okay? And nobody told me they were kids, could've been midgets for all I know.

  TIM: A school bus full of midgets?

  TOD: Well, I never saw an adult subdued by a bunch of kids!

  TIM: They didn't subdue anybody, and they were twenty-two, by the way!

  TOD: Well, they wouldn't have got their drinks if you didn't let them go!

  TIM: Bullshit! I had them all in control until you got in the way! It was my big chance and you made me screw it, made a freaking fool out of me!

  TOD: Come on now, variety is the spice of life: I can't play hockey, you like to undress little kids --

  TIM: I'm not a maniac, you dumbass!! The kid was drunk, and if I got him naked it was just for his own good!

  He shakes with anger, eyes almost exploding as he meets the aghast stare of the WOMAN across the counter.

  TOD: You wanna order ma'am?

  WOMAN: I wanna talk to the Director.

  INT. HARDEE'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

  The grimiest restroom a fast food has ever seen. Tod wrinkles his nose, slams a rag down on the floor.

  TOD: Damn prat, I don't even know you and it's the second job you make me lose!

  Tim seethes with rage as he fills a paper bag with litter.

  TOD: I was shaking cocktails before I met you, and here I am now, stuck in a toilet with a fuckin' maniac!

  TIM: Will you drop it? It's humiliating enough to have a degree and be doing this without you babbling in my ears!

  TOD: Oh, I'm sure your degree will come in handy when you'll have to clean up those urinals!

  Tim's about to answer when he picks up a tampon.

  TIM: That's enough, give me that stick!

  He snatches it from Tod, hands him over the bag.

  TIM: You should be grateful, if it wasn't for me we wouldn't even be here!

  TOD: Well, thanks a lot, telling the Director we're schizophrenic will come in handy when I'll need a reference! Do me a favor, next time you feel like helping me just mind your fuckin' business, okay?

  Tim just ignores him as he drops down the rag.

  TOD: Now keep the f
uck off of me and just try not to fuck up!

  Tim starts working the floor as a door unlocks behind them -- PIPE walks out a stall with a paper bag, leaves a trail of black footprints on his way to the door.

  PIPE: What the fuck are you looking at?

  TOD: Me? Nothing.

  A fuming Tim resumes the mopping as another door opens -- TONY flies into air as he touches the wet floor, drops down hard as a sack of cement.

  TIM: Oh boy! (Rushing to the rescue) Are you okay, sir?

  TONY: Don't fuckin' touch me!

  TOD: Yeah, man, keep off those hands!

  He picks up Tony's bag, identical to the one he was filling.

  TONY: Let it go, fuckhead!

  TOD: What's wrong, bud? Run out of toilet paper or what?

  Tony snatches his bag from Tod and moves out...

  INT. HARDEE'S HALL - CONTINUOUS

  ...furiously rushing past Pipe and Beanie.

  BEANIE: Yo Tony.

  TONY: Fuck off!

  BEANIE: What the -- shit, I'm gonna shoot that motherfucker!

  PIPE: C'mon, let's just get the fuck outta here. So dirty in there I couldn't even take a shit!

  They start for the door when --

  MALE VOICE (O.S.): It's from a German SUV, must be worth more than a Big Mac.

  They turn to see the BUM, standing by the counter with a big Mercedes badge.

  SAMIR: We're not McDonald's, sir, and we can't accept bartering. I must ask you to go now, or I'll have to call the Director.

  The bum turns to leave, sees Pipe and Beanie approaching.

  BUM: You know what, maybe you should call your boss after all.

  INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

  A pissed off Tod resumes filling his bag.

  TOD: Shit, I bet you'd pump up a funeral! That's a gift you have, you should send your resume to a hospice.

  TIM: I did. And it's not my fault if this place is sleazy, okay?

  TOD: This is a toilet, you fuck, people will take a piss and get out if you don't try to kill them!

  TIM: Those were two thugs, we were lucky things didn't get out of hand. You know the tale of the girl in the alley?

  TOD: No. But I can tell you the one about the sissy wimp... (moving over a trash can) killed on a crapper because of a wet floor!

  As he flips the bag over the can a THICK WAD OF CASH hits the floor. Time stops. Mouths drop. Oh fuck!

  EXT. HARDEE'S - NIGHT

  Tim and Tod storm out the door, look around in panic.

  TOD: Alright, it's clear it was an accident, how could they blame us?

  DOWN THE STREET

  A black Lincoln lays down forty feet of rubber. Then U turns and takes off in their direction.

  TIM: Holy shit!

  INT. HARDEE'S - CONTINUOUS

  The guys run back inside --

  BEANIE (O.S.): Hold your ass right there!

  -- pull up their hands as the bum speeds past them with Pipe and Beanie on his tail.

  TOD: The backdoor!

  They jump over the counter, just as TONY AND VITO burst in through the door. They stand baffled as Pipe and Beanie keep chasing the bum.

  VITO: What the fuck is going on here?!

  Tony couldn't care less. He pops out his gun when a SIREN starts to wail in the distance. Tony heaves a deep sigh, just trying not to explode.

  VITO: Tony?

  TONY: What?

  VITO: Who's gonna say this to the boss?

  Tony shuts his eyes, turns on his heels and steps out as Beanie finally catches on the bum. Then hears the siren growing louder.

  BEANIE: Must be your lucky day, you asshair!

  He lets go of him as A SCREAMING CRUISER stops by the door.

  PIPE/BEANIE: Shit!

  They glance at each other, then at Pipe's bag. They simultaneously turn to one of the trash bins.

  EXT. HARDEE'S BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

  Hiding in the shadow behind a line of dumpsters, Tim is shaking like a leaf.

  TIM: I don't believe it, this can't be happening!

  TOD: Calm down, okay? We'll clear this up with those guys.

  TIM: They're not guys, you prick, they're criminals! And you just stole their fucking money!

  TOD: Hey, I didn't steal anything! And who said they're criminals, anyway?

  TIM: Locked up in a toilet with a bag full of cash, what the hell do you think they are, wealthy plumbers?

  TOD: Fucking amateurs, here's what! You don't set up a deal at fuckin' Hardee's, that's ridiculous!

  Tim sees the flashing lights outside the alley, stands up.

  TIM: Well, it's not my business, and I won't get in trouble because of it.

  TOD: What the hell are you doing?! (Pulls him back down) They see you with the cops and the next thing you know is we're dead!

  TIM: What?! You just said they're amateurs!

  TOD: Well, what if I'm wrong?

  Tim is astonished as Tod just peeks inside the bag.

  TOD: No police, and forget about this place, too. I'm afraid we'll just have to keep the money and disappear for a while.

  TIM: What the hell are you talking about?!

  TOD: Don't worry, we'll split it. I got a friend who can help us clean the money, let's just exchange numbers and catch up tomorrow, okay?

  Tim stares at him, agape to say the least.

  TIM: You're not just a prick, you're completely insane.

  INT. WHITE SUV - CONTINUOUS

  Pipe and Beanie lurk down the alley, waiting for the cops to get out of the way when they see Tim step from behind the dumpsters and walk away with the bag.

  BEANIE: Where the fuck does that prick pops out from?

  PIPE: That son of a bitch took our shit!

  They jump out the car -- jump back in at the buzz of a radio.

  INT. EILEEN'S FLAT - NIGHT

  Tim sneaks in, keeps the lights off as he double-locks the door. Comforted by the silence he heaves a sigh of relief.

  EILEEN (O.S.): It's late, where have you been?

  He fights back a scream as Eileen emerges from the bathroom.

  TIM: I-I went to that restaurant. Nice place, low pay, it's a no go.

  EILEEN: Is that a uniform?

  TIM: Yes.

  An awkward beat of silence as Eileen looks at the bag.

  TIM: They were giving them away, uniforms and burgers.

  INT. TIM'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  Tim locks in. Drenched in sweat, completely shocked.

  TIM: Okay man, calm down now... (sits on his bed) maybe you just need to keep it cool and sleep it over.

  He sets the alarm on the nightstand, turns off the light.

  CUT TO:

  THE ALARM CLOCK, lit up by a sunbeam as it starts beeping.

  INT. TIM'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

  Tim hasn't moved by an inch. Eyes wide, still sweating.

  TIM: Alright, so much for the sleeping.

  He stands up, slowly pokes INTO THE HALLWAY --

  EILEEN (O.S.): 'Morning dear.

  He jumps as Eileen speeds past with a load of dirty laundry. The DOORBELL makes him jump again.

  EILEEN (O.S.): You're going?

  He turns in terror to the door, trembling at the chance they already found him.

  TIM: O-okay.

  He inches for the door, stretches up to the handle. Holds his breath and -- throws the door open on BERNIE.

  BERNIE: Good morning -- Tim?!

  Tim sighs in relief, shuts the door on him.

  EILEEN (O.S.): Do you have other dirty clothes besides those in your drawer?

  TIM: No, I -- damn!

  He spots the Hardee's bag among the pile of clothes in the kitchen. As he rushes to the rescue the doorbell rings again.

  TIM: I'm going!

  He scans the kitchen for a hideout, sets his eyes on the cupboard top.

  INT. BUILDING HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

  Tim sneaks out the door, Bernie glowers at him.

  BERNIE: Will you tell me what's going on? Me a
nd your grandma have a date.

  TIM: Oh, I'm sure you do. But you'll have to try later, she's not home.

  BERNIE: What do you mean she's not home?

  TIM: Well, something like she's not in it right now. I'd let you wait inside, but I'm sure you got other things to do... (off Bernie's still gaze) do whatever you have to do and come back later, okay?

  BERNIE: (doesn't move) You're not plotting something, are you?

  TIM: Don't know what you're talking about.

  He's sweating as a miner. Bernie nods, unconvinced.

  BERNIE: Okay then, I'll be back in 30 minutes.

  TIM: See you later, no problem...

  As Bernie moves away he fishes out a slip of paper, dials a number on his cell phone. Line's busy.

  TIM: ...my ass!

  Bernie's boarding the elevator, Tim glances at the stairs.

  INT. EILEEN'S FLAT - CONTINUOUS

  A puzzled Eileen enters the kitchen.

  EILEEN: So early and he's already out...

  She places a ladder by the window, right next to the cupboard.

  EILEEN: ...just when I needed help with the drapes!

  EXT. OLD A